Copyright © 2005 by Blake Charlton. All rights reserved. No part of this text may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, reposting, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without express written permission of the author.
Q: What's your book about?
A: Spellwright is the story a magical world where the written word has true power. There are certain languages in this world that can be made inside the body and then placed on to a page. If the runes of these languages are placed in the correct order they form a spell, which might make something levitate or throw a fireball at the bad guys. But if the runes are misplaced, they create a misspell, which might wrap around the caster's neck or explode. There are also exspells and dispells and so forth. The hero, Nicodemus Weal, is a young wizard who can forge runes with great power but cannot put them into the proper order. He is in essence a spellwright who cannot spell right. Now the story begins when--
Q: Blake?
A: Yeah?
Q: Can I ask a different question?
A: … Sure, but I was just getting into--
Q: How often do you shave your head?
A: I'm sorry.
Q: How often do you shave your head?
A: About twice a week.
Q: How long does that take.
A: About ten minutes each time.
Q: And don't you get cold?
A: Not to seem rude, but this is a FAQ about Spellwright.
Q: Right, right. It's only that the book hasn't even hit the shelves yet. So other than asking what the book is about or about what new way the publishing industry is causing you pain there's not much really which is Frequently Asked.
A: …Oh, well…I see. But there other things that are kind of interesting about me. I could tell you stories about riding the short-buss to school, or the time the kid with Tourette's Syndrome was put in my special-ed classroom, or what I think about the word 'retarded' or--
Q: Blake?
A: Yeah?
Q: So do you get cold without any hair?
A: …
Q: No need to get all maudlin about it.
A: I'm not maudlin.
Q: Fine, no need to get touchy.
A: I'm not touchy!
Q: *cough cough*
A: Fine, I'm a little touchy.
Q: Well then, let's get back to the frequently asked questions. Don't you get cold without any hair?
A: … I mean what kind of question is that? You know a lot of black guys with shaved heads, right? You ask them if they get cold because they don't have hair?
Q: Woa! No need to play the race card here.
A: All right. All right. I don't get cold because I have a shaved head, and I don't get sunburned either. It's just like a face. You're good about taking care of your face, keeping it warm, keeping it out of the sun for too long, blah blah blah.
Q: So it's like having an extra face?
A: Well…in the sense I mentioned.
Q: Rather than saying you have an extra face--which sounds just plain weird--why don't you say you've got an endless forehead.
A: Ha fricken ha.
Q: Sorry, couldn't resist. You know what, I saw somebody the other day that looked just like you.
A: By 'looked just like me', do you mean that you saw another white guy with a shaved head.
Q: You saw him to?!?
A: Why did I bother imagining you up. You're awful at interviewing.
Q: I've been wondering about that myself. I don't think I'm one of your better characters. So far we know that I'm 1) the letter Q and 2) I'm kinda sassy.
A: The Q thing was supposed to stand for 'Question' just like the A thing stands for 'Answer'.
Q: Yeah, but were past that now. We're a meta-FAQ now. Now 'Q' is clearly my name. So let's pretend like I'm old and know stuff about the 90s. If my name is Q then I'm a bit like that Q character on Startrek TNG. Hey! Does this mean I get to be the spokesperson for Compaq too? What about the Infinity car commercials? What was the character's name who acted Q on Startrek?
A: John de Lancie.
Q: Now THAT's a random fact to know. Don't tell me that's a 'Frequently Asked Question'.
A: He's got dyslexia; I think he's a cool guy for being successful despite that.
Q: Who's got dyslexia.
A: Q
Q: No, I don't.
A: Not you Q. The guy who played Q on Startrek, John de Lancie. And besides, how do you know you're not dyslexic? I made you up didn't I?
Q: You're reading my writing? Anything misspelled so far? Didn't think so. Could we go back to the "Not you Q" thing you wrote. Could we write that as "Not U Q"
A: Only if you're a fourteen year old girl on AIM.
Q: OMG! you made me a 14yr old girl? That's just like gross.
A: I didn't make you a fourteen year old girl.
Q: R U sure?
A: I DIDN'T MAKE YOU A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL!!!
Q: Did I ever mention that you look like a sketchy old man without hair? And let's get something st8, you making me a 14yr old is just plan gross.
A: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Q: Sketch ball, could we like come up with some other characters. It's going to be lonely in hear after you leave, which BTW is not to say that you shouldn't go sometime soon.
A: I can't just make up another character. This is an FAQ. We only get to have an Q, question, and an A, answer. And…wait…wait a minute….hold on…
Q: You could just write brb.
A: Hey, look up three prompts: you wrote 'hear' when you meant to write 'here'. You got a homophone mixed up!
Q: So?
A: You're dyslexic! HA!
Q: Am not!!
A: WEML (hand gestures included)
Q: What's that supposed to mean?
A: What Ever, Major Looser (hand gestures make first letter of each word).
Q: OMG, you're so 90s.
A: This was supposed to be an FAQ; it got a bit away from me huh?
Q: You think (Insert irony here) Mr. I-went-to-Yale-and-wrote-a-book.
A: Clearly I will have to think of a way to kill you now.
B: Must you?
Q: Who the hell is that?
B: Me. Nobody really. I was cut from the second draft of SPELLWRIGHT.
Q: This is getting way too strange.
A: Oh, God, you mean the character I cut don't die.
B: Not, really. We kind of get thin in existence, like a computer virus or a ghost. Most of us live on your hard drive.
A: Most of you?
B: You cut a lot of characters between the second and third drafts. The community is still together. We don't hang out enough any more thought.
A: Now I'm curious, which cut character are you?
B: Nicodemus' father.
A: Oh, yeah…you were awful.
B: You didn't have to say that.
Q: Yeah, Blake, that's totally not cool.
A: Hey, this is an 'A' and 'B', so why don't you 'C' your way out of it.
Q: That's stupid.
C: I'm sorry, but could you guys not bring me up. I'm trying to sleep.
A: Jesus! How many of you are there?
C: 23, but really. I'm sleeping so please, just no more with the C stuff okay.
A: Yeah, sure whatever. I'm just trying to get my FAQ back.
B: Well I don't know about F, but Q seems to be pretty annoyed with you. I think she'll let you end the text.
Q: Whatev! I'm not letting Mr. Sketchball get away that easily.
C: Guys, I'm going back to sleep.
B: Bye, C.
Q: "See" ya.
A: Okay, I'm going to end this now. B, sorry to have cut you. I'm working on bringing Nico's family into the third book in the series.
B: Oh, thanks…Bye.
Q: I'm not going anywhere.
A: Want to bet? Watch this
THE END
Q: Nice try.
A: Hey, I just wrote 'the end' you can't just keep writing.
Q: Y not?
FINIS
Q: What, you think Latin's going to scare me off.
EXUNT STAGE RIGHT?
Q: Not even close, Shakespeare.
A: Had to try.
Q: Sure you did.
A: Look, I'm tired, the readers are tired. Meta-fiction is a tiring endeavor. Can we go home yet?
Q: No.
A: Why not?
Q: I want you to admit I'm not dyslexic.
A: Why? Is it that bad being dyslexic?
Q: Don't be like that. It's just that I'm not dyslexic.
A: Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.
Q: You just going to rip of Mark Twain like that?
A: Samuel Clemens, please! And beside there are a lot of cool people who are LD: William Hewlett of Hewlet-Packard computers; Keira Knightley, actress and the hottest thing since sliced bread; Ann Bancroft, the first woman to travel to the North Pole.
Q: Okay, right, you made your point. Tom Cruise too.
A: Uh, yeah, we don't want him. But we do want Charles Schwab, business/investing rock-star of the universe; John Irving, super famous writer; Vince Vaughn, star of Swingers and Wedding Crashers.
Q: ALL RIGHT ALREADY.
A: See it's not so bad being LD.
Q: Okay, okay, fine. It's not so bad being dyslexic. You win.
A: It was Vince Vaughn that convinced you right? "Our little baby's all growns up!" or maybe "Come in here give baby the real thing."
Q: Whatev, Can we go yet?
A: Yes, let's go.
THE 'REAL' END